In this series I will try to explain seemingly unexplainable phenomena that an unexplainable amount of people act upon. I will divulge myself in trying to solve some of the world’s greatest mysteries. In each study, the subjects of investigation will be different, however they all share one common bond: the abilitiy to consistently be unexplainable.
Subjects: People who leave their Stickers On Hats…or SOH…or Reverse HOS (which is what we will be referring to them as)
This one has been bugging me for a while, it’s one of those things where you kind of just accept, but never really understand why (kind of like paying taxes and not putting your elbows on the dinner table). At least where I’m from, a lot of people like to rock MLB hats with the 59 Fifty sticker left on that shows the size. (as seen in the picture)
After thinking to myself conducting several interviews, I believe that I have narrowed this mysterious trend down to a few reasons:
1. Ability to return said hat: Nowadays people in society are so self-conscious and can’t make decisions for themselves. We seek out approval for EVERYTHING and if we don’t get it, we cannot function. There is one exception, my man G.W. Bush keeps truckin along even when his approval ratings suck, that takes some willpower.
Anyways, it has come to me that Reverse HOS leave the stickers on their hats for their first few wears just in case they get hated on for wearing the hat since we are not allowed to have our own style in the 21st century. (Admittedly, I would hate on you if you wore a hat that looked like that one). If their cronies dislike their choice of headwear, the Reverse HOS can just return the hat to the store of purchase as if they never wore it (quite clever if you ask me). Also, leaving the brim pre-Christopher Columbus world style (flat) helps with the “Na I haven’t worn it” factor.
Responses from their social network that may cause the Reverse HOS to return the hat and thus be thankful for his Reverse HOSish strategy:
-”You not Daniel Boone, why you gotta racoon on yo head man?”
-”Haha, you look like you just popped a beach ball with your noggin!”
-”That shit is ugly”
2. Show off your head size (the one above your neck above your shoulders)- This one bugs me, there is a common misconception not just among Reverse HOS, but among all beings, that head size (again, we are referring to the one on which you would wear a burger king crown) is indicative of the size of your brain and consequentially how intelligent you are. This however is not true as some animals like elephants have huge craniums (especially Dumbo with his ginormous ears) but have brains smaller than humans (don’t quote me on that one, ok? thanks).
Nevertheless (by the way i love how that word is just three smaller words put together to form one, maybeishould trydoingthat some, works right?) Reverse HOS feel a need to proudly display the size of their skull to everyone else, hoping to make other feel inferiorly dumb and to impress member of the opposite sex with their earning potential. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned headsize does not directly correlate to intelligence, which does not directly correlate to money anyways.
Think of this as a cool way of taping your SAT score to your head.
Alternatively, some Reverse HOS also follow the logic of proportionality that if your head above your shoulders is big, then your other…….(this is a clean blog)
This size factor is also the main reason why hats 2,3, and sometimes 6 sizes too big are often bought-to appear smarter/overcompensate.
3. Straight Blingin- Let’s face it, those stickers DO look pretty cool, and they’re shiny. Jewelry/Shinyness has long been an important part of pretty much every culture: king’s wore shiny crowns, pilgrims wore those shiny buckle-type things on their shoes, America was invaded and wrongfully taken discovered by some greedy, white folk lookin for some shiny gold, and do I even need to mention the rap industry of today? (hypothetical question) Why do you think we revolve around the sun rather than it be the other way around? (because the sun is really shiny, also a reason why some cultures worshipped it) The apex of shinyness in the history of the world was reached during the Ice Age when everything was shiny and there weren’t that many people to split it amongst!
So anyways, the Reverse HOS are just sporting a new kind of shinyness on their hat. Hopefully hat companies won’t figure this out or they will start charging extra for this shine as the stickers will be regarded as “jewelry” rather than just an adhesive with some writing.
4. Drawing- You never know when you may absolutely NEED to draw a perfect cirlcle. I mean, if you were with a group working on…let’s say an art project on the Olympics, and no one could draw the Olympic rings to be round and the same size. A Reverse HOS could rise to the occasion as if this is the moment he has waited for all his life and say “Don’t worry guys…I got this” as he takes his fitted off of his head, plucks the sticker from the brim, and proceeds to perfectly draw the Olympic rings…blue…black…red…yellow…green (which would be the perfect segway into bitching about China and the Olympics being there, buttttt I really don’t care).
This heroic act would immediately make this Reverse HOS the coolest and most admirable person anyone in the room has ever known.
-Unexplainable mystery explained? checkmark. While I still think it looks dumb to be a Reverse HOS, I (and I hope you too) now have a better understanding of why stickers are left on hats.